Your First African Safari: A Guide for People Who Have Watched Too Much Planet Earth

Here is the first thing nobody tells you about a safari: the animals don't show up on a schedule. The second thing: when they do show up, it does not matter how many nature documentaries you've watched. You will, against your will, make a sound. Often it is a small, undignified 'oh.'

Where to go for a first safari: Kenya (Masai Mara), Tanzania (Serengeti), or Botswana (Okavango Delta). All three are excellent. Kenya is the most accessible. Tanzania has the Great Migration. Botswana is quieter, more exclusive, and pricier.

When to go: dry season. June through October in East Africa. The grass is shorter, the animals concentrate around water, and you will see things. Lots of things.

How long: minimum 7 nights on the ground. Less than that and you've flown halfway around the world for what amounts to a long weekend. Most people regret going shorter; almost nobody regrets going longer.

The day looks like this: 5:30 AM wake-up. Coffee in your tent. Game drive from 6 to 10. Big breakfast. Nap, read, swim. Light lunch. Afternoon game drive from 4 to 7. Sundowner cocktail somewhere photogenic. Dinner under stars. Asleep by 9:30. This rhythm will reset something in you.

Pack: neutral colors (no bright white, no bright red, no black or dark blue — tsetse flies love them). A wide-brim hat. A fleece for mornings. A good camera with a real zoom lens, OR — and this is heresy — leave the camera, bring binoculars, and just look.

Tip your guide and tracker. Generously. They are the trip. A great guide can find a leopard in a tree from a kilometer away. A bad guide can drive past the same leopard three times.

Emotional warning: you will, at some point, watch a sunrise from an open vehicle with elephants in the distance and you will completely fall apart. Bring sunglasses. Nobody needs to know.